Copywriting review: Turn WTF into Take my money!

 

Good marketing copy doesn’t have to be read.

The words and message simply absorb into the reader’s brain, like osmosis.

Okay. Yes. That sounds like BS but that doesn’t mean it’s not true.

When your reader has to consciously read your words you’re on a countdown to losing them. Reading copy should be easy. It shouldn’t involve mentally stumbling over some phrasing or having to stop and ask, WTF? 

The latter is what happened to me recently.

How do you like your coffee?

My husband is a coffee enthusiast. He has spent a lot of time experimenting with different ways of making coffee and understanding how changes will impact the taste of his espresso. 

He can (and does) tell me how long it should and now does take a shot of espresso, of a certain grind size, to pour through our machine. To the second. Apparently, our coffee machine was pouring too fast. It was an issue.

That kind of learning takes passion and time. And lots of equipment (apparently).

So, I’m never surprised when a new gismo arrives. At least I wasn’t surprised until we got this:  It’s a 30lb calibrated pressure tamper.

It came in a red velvet bag with a card. Fancy. I know.

 

The card says, 

Thank you! 

Your purchase entitles you to more bonus content.

Flip this card over for additional information.

 

Grab Your Free Barista Manual

and activate your lifetime warranty at [URL]

LuxHaus products are backed by our 100% satisfaction guarantee

Activate your warranty and bonuses by visiting our website

If for any reason you are not 100% satisfied with your item please get in touch by sending an email to [email].

I don’t know about you but my brain stopped (a few times) to think, wait… what? I had to read it a few times. I also had to double check what we’d bought that entitled us to “more bonus content”.

Rather than keep it to myself,  I thought it might be fun to break the copywriting down and see how it could be improved.

Disclaimer: This is absolutely no reflection on Luxhaus or their products. Or their red velvety bag, which is extremely soft and touchable. 

Let’s begin with the logic

Because I’m confused.

According to this card, I’m entitled to “More bonus content”. But there wasn’t any content associated with the product in the first place. Unless you count the sales receipt. The red velvet bag might be a bonus (it is very soft) but it sure ain’t content.

On the back, it actually refers to bonuses. So, is it one bonus? Or more?

Speaking of the back, we have:

Get the manual and activate the warranty at this URL. Got it.

Satisfaction guarantee. Awesome.

Then, activate the warranty and get the bonuses at the URL. Yep. I got that the first time.

And more information about the satisfaction guarantee. We’re back there?

Yes, I am being picky about this because clarity matters.

This card does not have a lot of space for copy and that space being wasted with redundant information.

This card is thanking someone for buying something so laden with a sense of luxury that they packed it in a red velvet bag. Luxhaus want the buyer to feel good about their purchase, feel safe about their purchase and shower them with gifts to say thank you. 

All in about 50-60 words. 

Let’s talk about the tone of voice

This is an excerpt from the product description:

“THE BEST TASTING ESPRESSO – Experience the delightful flavor that a smooth and evenly graded tamp will give your morning espresso shot. Life is too short to be drinking bitter coffee. Did you know that the tamp is a key factor in espresso taste? Ditch the cheapo plastic tamper that came with your coffee machine and step up to LuxHaus quality.”

It’s conversational. It’s a friendly expert, sharing some wisdom. Plus they use a question to bring you, the reader, into the conversation. 

So, what happened when they wrote the copy for the thank you card?

It sounds like a marketing robot malfunctioned at a keyboard.

As customers move between different marketing media, it’s important that the copy feels like it’s from the same company. Keeping the tone of voice and language consistent is critical! 

How can we improve the copywriting?

Thank you!  

Your purchase entitles you to more bonus content.

Flip this card over for additional information.

becomes…

Thank you!  

You’re one step closer to making your perfect coffee. 

Flip this card over for some important information and a free gift from us!  

flip it over to see…

Learn the secrets of top baristas.

Grab Your Free Barista Manual at [URL]

Activate your lifetime warranty while you’re online.

All LuxHaus products are backed by our 100% satisfaction guarantee. If, for any reason, you aren’t satisfied, let us know via [email] and we’ll make it right.

The big ticket changes here are:

• The customer is reminded of the payoff they seek (the perfect coffee)
• The benefit of the manual is highlighted and the ego of the customer stroked
• The information around the warranty and guarantee is consolidated
• A consequence of the guarantee is explained (we’ll make it right)
• The tone of voice is a closer match to the other product copy 
• Using contractions immediately makes it friendlier
• And the word count isn’t much different!

What do you think of the changes? 

Belinda (AKA The Copy Detective)

Personally, I’m a tea drinker with an occasional coffee thrown in for kicks. When I do drink coffee, it’s usually Moccona (Australian instant coffee) and it horrifies my husband. 

What about you?