August 26, 2019 at 3:28 AM #22432
Yikes…would any of you fabulous copywriters be willing to give me some feedback on this About page please? For context, there’ll be a ‘Founder’s story’ page too which is why I haven’t gone into detail here about how the charity came about. I’ll perhaps direct readers to it through a link within the copy, or maybe add a sentence. Basically the charity provides funding for the hospitals to buy equipment, introduce staff roles and conduct medical research. The audience is patients, their families, potential donors, medical professionals, businesses, community groups etc – being a charity About page, it’s pretty much everyone. So, here’s goes…and thank you 🙂 (I have to submit it on Tuesday UK time btw)
The xxx Foundation helps Crohns and Colitis sufferers take their life off hold and have a brighter future. We change the lives of children, young people and adults across Scotland by improving IBD healthcare, and we’re forging the future of treatment with pioneering research.
[Testimonial from patient]
The Foundation works alongside handpicked partners, xxx Royal Infirmary and xxx Hospital for Children. And we’re central to enhancing care for IBD patients through investing in specialist and state-of-the-art equipment and innovative healthcare, which would otherwise be unavailable. We work closely with them to improve treatment, too, by facilitating medical research, which is already discovering new therapies.
The Foundation also enables carefully selected patient and family-focused support and research delivered by xxx UK.
Since 2003, we’ve helped patients get a more accurate diagnosis, receive more effective treatment, access specialist care and get emotional support for themselves and their family.
[Testimonial from clinician]
By working closely with IBD medical professionals and listening to the people that matter most – patients and their families, we know that the support we give is desperately needed. They shape the projects we fund, putting us at the forefront of improving care and treatment for Crohns and Colitis sufferers in Scotland.
We’re intentionally small, so we can stay close to what’s most important. We’re also serious about making the best use of every penny which means we can make a big impact, precisely where it’s needed. We make a difference through:
• Providing up-to-date, specialist equipment
• Enabling pioneering healthcare
• Facilitating revolutionary scientific and clinical research
• Giving easy access to a peer-led support network
We do extraordinary things thanks to the generosity of our supporters, and we’ve already invested over £1m in patient-driven projects across Scotland, such as:
• Specialist medical equipment and the development of new tools to improve diagnosis, select the best treatment and deliver treatment using the best equipment possible.
• Innovative healthcare roles to give more specialised and tailored care, advance research into new treatments and deliver new therapies to patients.
• Novel medical research that helps establish new treatments and improve patient outcomes.
• Support services that help patients and their families feel less alone, reduce their worry and increase access to specialist advice.
With the ongoing support of people across Scotland, businesses, volunteers, and patients and their families, we can change even more lives.
Our vision is straightforward: To find a cure for Crohns, Colitis and other inflammatory bowel diseases
We know it’s ambitious, and so are we. From the beginning, everything we’ve done has been driven by our personal experience of these debilitating conditions, that’s how we know we won’t settle until we put a stop to the suffering.
We also know that we’re partnered with some of the best minds and most committed healthcare professionals in the UK.
While we’re working towards it, we’re also taking great strides towards our shorter-term goals:
• To ensure every person in Scotland suffering from Crohns, Colitis or other inflammatory bowel disease has access to the best healthcare and be in the best health possible, by improving diagnosis, treatment and management of the disease.
• To make sure no-one living with IBD feels alone, can easily access support from others affected by the condition and build a support network they can rely on.
Meet the team
August 26, 2019 at 8:03 AM #22436
Cool project. One quick grammar thing that struck me: In the sentence, “The xxx Foundation helps Crohns and Colitis sufferers take their life off hold and have a brighter future,” it should be “their lives off hold” not “life.”
I wonder if the first paragraph could be clearer: “The xxx Foundation helps Crohns and Colitis sufferers across Scotland take their lives off hold and reach for a brighter future. We change the lives of children, young people and adults with IBD by funding much-needed improvements in IBD healthcare, including investing in pioneering medical research.”
Otherwise my big comment would be to break this up more with subheadings and organize the content more clearly. Sometimes, the point of each paragraph seems to get a bit lost. Subheadings would make it easier for readers to digest the information and also easier for you to be sure that each paragraph is tightly organized around a single idea.
For example, when I read the content as is, it seems like the big things that could be called out in subheadings are that 1) the foundation partners with heavy hitters in the industry 2) the foundation stays intentionally small 3) the foundation partners with real on-the-ground medical professionals.
Alternatively, you could reorganize the content into how the foundation’s funding helps different parts of IBD treatment: 1) new equipment, 2) medical research, 3) new staff roles.
I like the two bulleted lists for readability, but they almost seem to be saying the exact same thing in different words. Are they actually describing different ways the charity has helped?
I think you nailed it on the vision section! Super clear, strong ending.
August 27, 2019 at 7:07 AM #22445
Krista, this is fantastic feedback, thank you so much for taking the time. I’m UK-based so it’s been the weekend and today is Bank Holiday Monday – so I’ve been trying to stay away from work. I failed!
Based on your critique I’ve revised the copy and it feels sooo much better. I knew something wasn’t quite right and couldn’t put my finger on it. A fresh pair of expert eyes is invaluable.
I’m submitting it to the client tomorrow so keep everything crossed that he’s happy with the direction it’s going in. I have a feeling he’s looking for something in particular but won’t know it until he sees it.
A million thanks!
August 28, 2019 at 11:25 AM #22452
I’m glad it was helpful! Good luck with your client!!
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